yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
