On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
