phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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