A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
only you would photoshop your dick
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
