My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
