i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
