Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
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