first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
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