every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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