I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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