i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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