White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
