i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
Can Purell be used as lube?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
