i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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