You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
