I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Randomize
