she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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