Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
