Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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