you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
