Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Randomize
