i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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