If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
