Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize
