she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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