so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
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