dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
you would pick up someone in the library
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
They are going to name an STD after you.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
The convent might be a nice break from real life
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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