I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
