you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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