when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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