Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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