I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
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I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
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Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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