Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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