So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
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Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
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also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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