Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
