I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
