Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
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