Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
