im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
