You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
