can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
