you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
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