I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Randomize
