I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
