New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
