Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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