Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
