I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I smell stomach acid.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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