then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
