I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
