Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
