So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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