I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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