After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
do nipples grow back?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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