I feel like abortions should bother me more
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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