I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
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Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
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I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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