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Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
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