the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .